Ted Cruz coloring book for kids

Yes, this is real. 

You want to know what it's called? "Cruz to the Future." No, really.

Here's some of the things you can learn from this coloring book:

America is a Christian Nation- This is standard fare for the Religious Right. Hell, one of the tree trunks on the cover of the magazine is even labelled "Ten Commandments." The other trunk is labelled "US Constitution," of course. According to the Religious Right, the Constitution was based off the Ten Commandments. And they have lots of evidence to back that claim up. The first piece of evidence is that the original Bill of Rights to the Constitution consisted of ten amendments. You know how many commandments there are in the Ten Commandments? Why, ten, of course! Clearly there is a connection here! The second piece of evidence is…er…um…uh…you know what, we'll get back to you on that!

Ted Cruz is a Man of Great Virility and Stamina- That's right, Ted Cruz isn't just some old "career politician." He's a MANLY MAN WHO IS MANLY! He's not like those old fossils Harry Reid or Mitch McConnell who just drone on for hours and hours. He proved that in his filibuster of ObamaCare  in which he stood on the Senate floor and talked for 21 hours straight. You heard that right! 21 solid hours of TALKING! Truly he has the combined masculinity of Rambo, GI Joe, and [insert protagonist name from John-Claude Van Damme movie here].

Providing Health Care for People Who Can't Afford It Is Worse Than War- Ted Cruz wants you to know that his failed stand against ObamaCare because "millions of citizens believe that ObamaCare is worse than any war." That's right, MILLIONS of citizens. The population of the United States is a little over 300 million, so that means that as many as 3% of the country thinks that ObamaCare is worse than war. 3%! That's a majority, isn't it? Ted Cruz even explains why ObamaCare is worse than war! "At least American soldiers have weapons with with to defend themselves." You can NOT argue with that logic! Soldiers have weapons to defend themselves from enemy soldiers. What do ordinary citizens have to protect themselves against doctors? Nothing, because OBAMA TOOK AWAY ALL YOUR GUNS! 

Cruz to the future. Because Ted Cruz is really important you guys!