Monday, December 30, 2013

An Actual YouTube Comment

He also used the wrong form of "their." 
This can't have been a typo. How do you miss the "e" key by four keys?

Phil Robertson on Marrying Teenage Girls

Jesus Christ.

"Look, you wait till they get to be 20-years-old--the only picking that's gonna take place is in your pocket. You gotta marry these girls when they're about 15 or 16."
This video is actually from a few years ago, before Duck Dynasty started airing. So it wasn't a publicity stunt to keep the controversy going. I think anyone who's on Phil Robertson's side at this point needs to get their brain checked to see if their synapses have misfired.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

My blog has hit 2000 page views


"Christmas Dreams" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

One of my favorite songs off the Lost Christmas Eve album.

The Dumbest Lawyer in America

Chris Sevier of Tennessee has taken the title of the dumbest lawyer in America away from Orly Taitz with this hilariously idiotic lawsuit he filed against not only the A & E Network, but also GLADD and Obama. Because Obama is in cahoots with A & E to "further the gay agenda" of course!

Sevier previously made a fool of himself for filing a lawsuit against Apple for his own addiction to internet porn and the subsequent breakdown of his marriage. He claimed to have visited the porn site by accident and wanted to visit Facebook. Instead he typed in Fuckbook by "mistake."

Take a look at this picture of the keyboard right below and note the positions of the keys:
How far away are the "a" and "u" keys? How far away are the "e" and "k" keys? Those are two pretty extreme typos. 

I don't know what they're teaching in law school anymore, but they were extremely ill-advised on letting this guy graduate.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Phil Robertson no longer suspended from A & E

This little controversy and the hissy fit people threw about it ended very predictably. I honestly don't think there was ever any danger of Phil Robertson actually getting fired. In fact, I'm pretty sure A & E enjoyed the publicity generated from the controversy. How many of you had heard of Duck Dynasty before Robertson's comments? I know I hadn't. Sarah Palin made a fool of herself defending Robertson before she even know what he'd actually said. And the National Council of Freedom and Enterprise had a petition going in support of Robertson--their ads were plastered across several of the blogs that I read, none of which are geared toward the target audience of Duck Dynasty. It's weird how the internet works sometimes.

The only thing I feel the need to directly comment on is this tweet from Bobby Jindal.
The State of Louisiana must have no problems at all if the fucking governor has nothing better to do than jump to the defense of some unimportant pseudo-celebrity from a reality show most people probably never heard of before said unimportant pseudo-celebrity said stupid things about gays and black people. I think that's the real lesson to take away from all of this. Our leaders have far more free time on their hands than their jobs reasonably entails. 

This is why they're called the "American Taliban"

Seriously, if I told you that this blog post was written by Muslim Jihadists, would you believe me? If I told you it was written by ultraconservative Christians, would you believe me? More appropriately, which of those things would you have an easier time believing? I mean, Holy Shit! You can't parody stuff like this!

Ed Brayton breaks this thing down better than I can here.

Add the existence of these people into the list of things that would give George Orwell nightmares.

Iowa Voter Fraud Investigation = Epic Fail

Iowa Secretary of State Matt Schultz has been asked to repay $140K in federal funds he used to investigate cases of voter fraud. The fact that only 16 cases were found out of 1.2 million votes cast isn't even the most embarrassing part. Schultz has been accused of using those funds improperly. The Iowa state auditor wrote a letter to Schultz requesting that he pay back the funds because he used them for criminal investigation--something that he's not legally allowed to do with these kinds of funds.

The best part about this whole ordeal? Schultz was using the investigation (and the whopping 16 cases of voter fraud) to justify the passing of a Voter ID law. Not a single one of those cases involved voter impersonation, the only thing a Voter ID law would have any effect in eliminating. Fiscally responsible small government at its finest.

The Conservative Bible Project

It has been five years since Andrew Schlafly of Conservapedia started his "conservative translation" of the Bible. This mostly involved Schlafly switching out words and phrases from the Bible and replacing them with his own. "Rich" has been replaced with "miserly." "Murder" has replaced "kill." "Generous" has replaced "liberal." And, strangely, "boundless generosity" has replaced "grace."

In late summer/early fall of 2009, this little project of Andy's went viral. And it wasn't so much the actual "translations" themselves that were the butt of much internet mocking. Rather, it was the declaration at the beginning of the thing that was the source of most laughs. You see, the reason Andy was doing this is because modern translations of the Bible were corrupted by "liberal bias."

Wow…that's…solid evidence…I guess? I wasn't expecting much from a guy who thinks that the New International Version of the Bible has a pro-abortion bias. No, seriously. He really thinks that. He also thinks that modern Biblical translations have been corrupted by socialism as well, and the following quote is his evidence:

ZOMG! A conspiracy, no-doubt! 

This project was featured on the Colbert Report when Andy went on the show for an interview in December 2009. The interview is actually mentioned on Conservapedia as Andy apparently believes that he and his project were cast in a positive light by Colbert for some reason. Andy also coined the phrase "best of the public" in an interview about the project with the Associated Press. It was in this brilliant response to criticism he received from experts at religious studies:
"The best of the public is better than a group of experts."
Andrew Schlafly: Sarah Palin's soul-mate, ladies and gentlemen.

Media interest in Andy's stunt died down around summer of 2010 and the project hasn't been mentioned much until recently. The project is still ongoing, and Richard Schiffman at Alternet has an overview of some of the more recent "translations." Highlights include Andy replacing the word "hypocrite" with "deceiver" because the word "hypocrite" is "often misused politically against Christians" and this lump of inane blather that Andy no doubt thought sounded like critical thinking:
"The simple fact is that some of the precursors of Jesus did know what they were doing," Schlafly points out, proving that, "Jesus might never have said it at all."
I going to bet that this line of logic only applies to things Andy doesn't agree with.

Houston "Psychic" is sued by Gullible Moron

A lawyer in Houston is filing a lawsuit against a "psychic" woman. He claimed that there was a "breach of contract" after a "love ritual" he paid $3200 for didn't work. The ritual was intended to "united husband and wife" and involved something called "chakras." Chakras are supposed to be centers of spiritual power within the body or something. These things required special lights to work. The ritual itself cost $500 while the "special lights" cost $2700. I'll let the article explain the rest:
"Thorn allegedly told Busby she would cleanse the money and return it to him within four hours, along with dolls to represent the man and the woman. 
Finishing the ritual involved placing the box under the marital bed and saying prayers, the petition states.
The money and the box were given to Thorn at 5 PM on December 6, but had not been returned to Busby when the suit was filed ten days later, the petition states."
This guy is seeking $1 million in damages. Since we live in a first-world country, there is actually a not-insignificant chance of him getting $1 million for being a gullible idiot. Seriously. If you're going to spend thousands of dollars on something like this, thinking it was actually going to help with your relationship troubles, you might have to shoulder just a little bit of the blame for getting scammed. I kind of think that even if this guy hadn't met this alleged "psychic," he still probably would have ended up getting scammed when he received that e-mail from the Nigerian Prince.

Steve Stockman falsely claims NRA endorsed him

Steve Stockman, one of the most unhinged and idiotic members of Congress (from Texas's 36th District) is running for Senate in 2014 and challenging John Cornyn in the Republican primary. Stockman claimed that he was endorsed by the National Rifle Association. He lists them as one of his "past and present endorsements" on his campaign website. However, it would seem that the NRA has endorsed Cornyn and one of their spokesmen has explicitly stated that the NRA is not endorsing Stockman. "Any claims to the contrary by him are false," said the spokesman, Andrew Arulanandum.

Stockman has, however, received an endorsement from noted intellectual powerhouse Ted Nugent.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Proof that Obama is Cthulhu

Wake up, sheeple!!!!1111!!! OMFG, teh proofs is all around us!!!!111!11! For generations the CABAL have told LIES to you and BRAINWASHED you and your CHILDREN via the LAMESTREAM MEDIA!11!1!1! The CABAL have been DUMBING DOWN AMERICA's YOUTH via COMMON CORE and are MOLDING them to become members of OBAMA'S PERSONAL ARMY!!!11!1! Our world is CONTROLLED by these BASTARDS!!! They are the ESOTERIC ORDER OF DAGON and they serve the man who is allegedly "Barack Obama."

HAH! He may have FOOLED the FEEBLE MINDED, but I see RIGHT THROUGH THE LIES!!!!111!1!1! The one the sheeple call "Obama" is not the President of the United States. He's not a natural born citizen of the United States. In fact, he is not even HUMAN at all! He is actually Cthulhu. HAH! I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT!11!1! I will BLOW THE LID OFF OF THINGS HERE!!1!1!1!1

It's not hard to find the PROOF!! There's a bunch of EVIDENCE that I've pieced together here. You see, "Barack Obama" was "born" on August 4, 1961. August 4th is the SAME DATE as the GULF OF TONKIN INCIDENT in 1964!1!1!11!! Only a blind SHEEP would think that's only a coincidence. Not only that, but FOUR CIVIL RIGHTS WORKERS were found murdered ON THE EXACT SAME DAY AS GULF OF TONKIN!!!11!1! Coincidence? HELLO, ANYBODY HOME!?!?! The evidence of conspiracy here is incontrovertible. But things only get even SHADIER from here! August 4 is also the day the BILLBOARD TOP 100 was published for the first time in 1958. The same BILLBOARD TOP 100 is full of POPULAR SONGS sung by POP STARS!!!!11!1! Pop stars like LADY GAGA, who has song called, "Judas." JUDAS is the EVIL DISCIPLE who BETRAYED JESUS to be CRUCIFIED under PONTIUS PILATE! Pontius Pilate served under TIBERIUS, the emperor of ANCIENT ROME! Ancient Rome was known for RAMPANT SEXUAL DEBAUCHERY!!!11!1! Much like SODOM AND GOMORRAH!1!!1! These cities were DESTROYED BE GOD and then LOT'S WIFE became a PILLAR OF SALT!!!11!1! SALT is commonly found in the OCEAN!!1!1! You know what's also found in the ocean? SHARKS!!!!11!1! The sharks is ALSO the name of an ICE HOCKEY TEAM in SAN JOSE!!!1! San Jose is in CALIFORNIA, which is also where HOLLYWOOD is located!!!!11!1! Hollywood is the CAPITAL of the LAMESTREAM MEDIA!!!11!1! The phrase "Lamestream Media" was COINED by SARAH PALIN!!11!1! Sarah Palin is from ALASKA, which home to lots of POLAR BEARS!!!11!1! Polar Bears are DROWNING in the ARCTIC OCEAN in the SUMMER because of GLOBAL WARMING!!11!1! Global Warming is a hoax created by the SOCIALIST UNITED NATIONS!!11!1! The United Nations wants to CREATE A GLOBAL TYRANNY! Tyranny is what happened under the rule of ADOLF HITLER!!!11!1! Hitler was the leader of NAZI GERMANY and is responsible for the HOLOCAUST!!11!1! The Holocaust killed 6 million Jews!!!1!1!1! The Jews are responsible for the creation of ISRAEL!11!1! Israel is at war with PALESTINE!11!11 Palestine is an ISLAMIC STATE like IRAN!11!1! Iran was invaded by the SOVIET UNION in 1979!!111!1!1! The Soviet Union were COMMUNISTS!11!1! Communists were responsible for the DECEMBER REVOLUTION!!1!1! December is the last MONTH of the YEAR, immediately succeeding NOVEMBER!!11!! November is the month that OBAMA was ELECTED in 2008!!!1!1! Four years earlier, WORLD OF WARCRAFT was ALSO RELEASED IN NOVEMBER!!11!1! Things are getting scary now!11!1! World of Warcraft has a RAID BOSS names C'THUN!!11!1! C'thun is a shout-out to CTHULHU!11!1! I first heard about CTHULHU on August 4th!11!1! The same day OBAMA was "born." Therefore, OBAMA IS CTHULHU!!!!1!!1!!1!

The proof is right here. It's as CLEAR AS DAY!11!1! I have discovered the TRUTH!!!!111!1! If you need further PROOF, note that August 4th is ALSO THE DAY that ANNE FRANK was arrested during the HOLOCAUST!1!1!1! Seriously, "Obama" being "born" on August 4th, the Gulf of Tonkin happening on August 4th, Civil Rights workers being found MURDERED on August 4th, the arrest of Anne Frank on August 4th, the Billboard Top 100 being published for the first time on August 4th, and me finding out about Cthulhu on August 4th? Do you still BELIEVE it all to be a COINCIDENCE!!?!11!1!1! If you do, then you are a SHEEP!!!11!1!1!

Verizon Edge Commercial

Weird State Laws #7: Connecticut

The state that gave us Yale and the Bush Family has also given us some pretty weird laws. Other than that there really isn't much to say about Connecticut. It's one of those small filler states like Delaware from back in the Revolutionary War days before we decided that bigger was better.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour
Well, you can't knock the traffic cops for strictly enforcing highway safety.
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway 
If this is deter drive-by shootings, I don't think that the people who commit such acts are strict followers of laws.
In order for a pickle to be officially considered a pickle, it must bounce.
Hear that, Connecticut pickle salesmen? Make your pickles meet their buoyancy quota before selling them.

Here's some laws at the local level:
In Hartford, you may not educate dogs.
They must never have knowledge lest they one day try to overthrow us.
In New Britain, it is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25 mph, even when going to a fire.
Traffic safety trumps house safety in this town it seems.
In Southington, Silly String is banned.
I hear there was a serial killer in the area who used silly string to strangle his victims to death. Clearly banning silly string was the correct solution to this problem.  

Phil Robertson: The Rosa Parks of Our Time

At least according to Illinois GOP congressional candidate Ian Bayne:
"In December 1955, Rosa Parks took a stand against an unjust societal persecution of black people, and in December 2013, Robertson took a stand against the persecution of Christians."

His website even has a cute little photo to go along with the proclamation!

What an uncanny resemblance, don't you think?

You know what makes Mr. Bayne's statements even more incredible? Phil Robertson, in addition to his comments about gay people, also said that black people were happier back in the pre Civil Rights Period! Isn't that hilarious

Bill O'Reilly shows his tact and maturity

On Bill O'Reilly's show a few days ago, O'Reilly discussed the moving of the nativity scene at Guantanamo Bay to the base chapel with Mikey Weinstein. O'Reilly showed himself to be a mature and rational adult by engaging in a very civil debate.

O'Reilly: You know what? Mr. Weinstein, you just--and with all due respect to your parents--are just a bloviator. You don't answer questions and I'll tell you what: I covered four wars with a pen!
Weinstein: You're an aggressive bully and an arrogant idiot!
O'Reilly: …Cut him off, he's a jerk! I covered four wars with a pen, OK, Mr. Weinstein? So don't impugn my courage ever again! You're a weasel.
I don't think the "War on Christmas" or the "War on Tradition" count as actual wars, Mr. O'Reilly.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Weird State Laws #6: Colorado

Colorado, the home state of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, has some weird laws that not even they can make fun of. I'll try my best to make fun of them myself, though.
One may not mutilate a rock in state park
This law was passed after much arm-twisting by the Stonepeace, the state's inflexible Rocks' Rights activist group.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence
 Doing so can result it in Eqqus Ferus Caballular Manslaughter.
Car dealers may not show cars on Sundays.
This is the weirdest blue law I've ever heard of. Is showing cars somehow conflicting with your duty to keep the Sabbath holy? As long as you're not doing it before 12 Noon, you should be fine.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses
Good. It's nice to see that Colorado is one of the few states where children will never have to suffer traumatic dreams of the cops coming to get them for accidentally ripping off those tags.

Some of the weirdest laws are at the local level. Here's some from Alamosa:
Throwing missiles at cars is illegal
 Better makes sure it's a truck before you throw a missile at it
Persons may not urinate in public
Just in case you missed the part about that being against the public indecency laws of all 50 states. Except perhaps Florida. You never know with that state…

Also it's technically illegal in New York City but no one really gives a shit about it there.

Here's some weird local laws form some other towns:
In Aspen, catapults may not be fired at buildings
Man, I've heard some crazy stories about the things the tourists do, but I've never heard of them trying to turn Aspen into a Medieval Battlefield. They must get really drunk.
In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor
Perhaps this is a way of cracking down on drug dealers? I hear they've been known to hide cocaine inside the bags.
In Boulder, it is legal to challenge a police officer, but only until he or she asks you to stop
I would imagine it wouldn't take long for that question to pop up.

Weird State Laws #5: California

California. It vies with Texas and Florida for the title of weirdest state in the country. It has elected two movie stars to the governor's office. Countless shows and movies are filmed there, including many set in the midwest, resulting in the amusing spectacle of mountains and palm trees in Chicago.

California also has some very weird laws, as we're about to find out:
 California prison workers will no longer be able to have sex with inmates
They just made this illegal recently? Was it a common occurrence for the guards and the inmates to bump uglies? Were the prison wardens going through a mid-life crisis and decided that they needed a little danger in their sex lives?
You may only throw a frisbee at the beach in Los Angeles County with the lifeguard's permission.
Some kid must have been hit with a frisbee and got knocked out and then drowned in a foot of water when none of the hundreds of other people on the beach tried to rescue him. I think the lawmakers misdiagnosed the problem on that one.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour
Remember kids, if you want to go for a ride without a driver, keep it at 55.
In San Jose and Sunnyvale it is illegal for grocery stores to provide plastic bags
The Paper Bag Gestapo must be very strict about enforcing this law.
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses
I guess the people in the LA Region don't know that the state of California extends further north than Fresno.

Here's some laws at the local level.
In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows
Some lawmakers are way too literal minded.
In Burlingame, it is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds
Well, baseball is our national pastime. I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but if they didn't include that provision, they'd be fascists.
In Arcadia, peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Appalling. They give that right to peacocks, but not to flamingoes? What makes the peacocks so special?

OMFG! Phil Robertson is being crucified!

Or so says the brainless dipshits at the Media Research Center. Here's a screenshot from their Facebook page via Fundies Say The Darndest Things:

Because it can't because what he said was idiotic, no. It MUST because of he's a conservative Christian. On the off-chance that someone who likes the Media Research Center is reading this, tell me something. How is this any different from playing the race card? The same people who get apoplectic over liberals who play the race card (but not when Herman Cain played it against Jon Stewart, funnily enough) have no problem shutting down a debate by whining about how teh evul librul media hates conservative Christians. How fucking hypocritical is that!? 

Now that my serious question is over, let's make fun of this thing!

"This may be controversial to say…"
The words "controversial" and "moronic" are not synonyms. Please reconsult your thesaurus.
"The media are crucifying Phil Robertson…"
Yes, that's exactly what they're doing. Criticizing some lead-skull for his idiotic comments is just like being nailed to a cross. It's just like how cruel the media are to Sarah Palin. I mean, it's like the Holocaust, amirite?

That was sarcasm, by the way. I was being sarcastic.
"If Phil were a Muslim…"
Ok, I'm not even going to finish that quote, and for two reasons. Number one, you can see on the full quote on the picture up above. And number two, it's a non-sequitur. More precisely, it's the non-sequitur used by the MRC on a regular basis. It relies on a straw man of their political opponents to work. It shouldn't work for them, but it does. The reason it does is because the people who are fans of the Media Research Center are often the same people who are fans of Sarah Palin, who are fans of witless unfunny "comedians" like Greg Gutfeld, who think that sites like Breitbart and the Drudge Report are examples of honest journalism. It works because it reinforces their narrow worldview, one defined by a partisan lens. It requires no critical thinking; it's quick and easy to digest. It's preaching to the choir at its finest.
"Like if you KNOW it's true."
It's got thousands of likes. The Media Research Center is one of the most popular right-wing media organizations. Brent Bozell founded it in 1987, about a decade before political blogs started. Hell, even a year before Rush Limbaugh started! It's gathered quite a fan base since 1987. Like the fans of Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin, the fans of the MRC are sheep. They "know" it's "true" because they've convinced themselves it was true. They "know" it's "true" because they visit the MRC every day and are constantly told it's true. They "know" it's "true" because they've trained themselves not to think critically, to hear only what they want to hear, to listen only to what they want to listen to, to believe only what they want to believe.

Radical Feminism: The Feminist's Worst Enemy

Often times, the worst enemies of a particular group are the extreme members of that same group. For gun-rights activists, they have gun-rights absolutists, whom I've discussed previously. For Christians, they have the Religious Right. For Muslims, they have jihadists. For environmentalists, they have eco-terrorists.

The feminists are no different in this regard. They have their own worst enemy in the radical feminists or radfems. These are the nutballs that think everything with a dick is evil and that all sex with men is rape. Think Valerie Solanas and Cathy Brennan. While most feminists believe in gender equality, the radical feminists believe in female supremacy. The white supremacist shouts, "White Power." The black supremacist shouts "Black Power." The female supremacist shouts, "Pussy Power!" This is a joke, by the way. 

To some of the more loopy radical feminists, even kissing under the mistletoe is like being raped. No, seriously:

Like people who fret about the "War on Christmas," the radical feminists who think that all intimate contact with men is equal to being rape are morons. Making fun of them for the amusement of the three people who read this blog (according to my Blogger stats) is a public service. 

Maybe I'll make a post about the worst enemy of Animal Right's activists soon. 

Does the Wall Street Journal not check its op-ed section before publishing it?

What is up with the people who who run the Wall Street Journal lately? Do they not realize how bad rambling op-eds like this make the paper look? Jesus Christ, some of the quotes in it are things that would fail him at a High School level class.
Under WASP hegemony, corruption, scandal and incompetence in high places weren't, as now, regular features of public life. Under WASP rule, stability, solidity, gravity and a certain weight and aura of seriousness suffused public life. As a ruling class, today's new meritocracy has failed to provide the positive qualities that older generations of WASPs provided.
Wow, so there was no Tweed Ring? No Credit Mobilier of America Scandal?  No Whiskey Ring? No Oregon Land Fraud Scandal? No Teapot Dome Scandal? No Gilded Age, the period from the 1870s to the 1890s that had some of the worst incidences of corruption in American history, and also the period in which the WASPs dominated American culture with an iron fist? Really? 
A financier I know who grew up under the WASP standard not long ago told me that he thought that the subprime real estate collapse and the continuing hedge-fund scandals have been brought on directly by men and women who are little more than "greedy pigs" (his words) without a shred of character or concern for their clients or country. Naturally, he added, they all have master's degrees from the putatively best business schools in the nation.
Thus far in their history, meritocrats, those earnest good students, appear to be about little more than getting on, getting ahead and (above all) getting their own. The WASP leadership, for all that may be said in criticism of it, was better than that.
Yeah, because the WASPs never ever engaged in any sort of unethical or selfish scheme, nor where they ever unconcerned about their clients or country. They certainly never put their own desires first no matter what. The owners of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory clearly had the safety and well-being of their workers in mind, all of whom were most definitely adults. No one ever put their kids with disabilities into poor houses because they were embarrassed by them back in the good ol--oh wait, they did do that. All. The Fucking. Time!

I find it weird that this guy is bashing meritocracy when that system perfectly fits the whole "bootstrap philosophy" that right-wingers allegedly love. I say "allegedly" because, of course, they don't actually believe in that. They just bring that up as a lazy excuse to bash people on government aid. The second the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" talk becomes inconvenient to them, they defenestrate it.

Note the attack on Higher Education, a staple of contemporary right-wing thought. When he was talking about the subprime real estate collapse and the hedge-fund scandals he was sure to mention the fact that they all had master's degrees from the best business schools in the nation. Notice how he framed that. Also note that the WASPs usually had degrees from similar schools as well, they just had less competition for them because they made sure other groups weren't allowed into those schools.

The guy who wrote this, Joseph Epstein, also wrote this. This guy seems to fit the definition of "Know-Nothing Know-It-All" perfectly.

Seriously, Wall Street Journal, check over the op-eds section before you publish it.

Data Brokers to Rape Victims: "We Sold Your Personal Information for 7.9 cents a name! Merry Christmas!"

Are you a rape victim, HIV-positive, a victim of domestic abuse, a drug addict, or someone with a genetic disability? Well, the Data Broker Industry has the perfect gift for you. Your name, phone number, and home address will be put on a list of people who are suffering from similar circumstances and whose phone number and home addresses are also listed. And then that list will be sold for 7.9 cents per name. That's right, you get to celebrate Christmas knowing that someone profited off of your suffering!

There are few worse scumbags in the world than people who profit off of tragedy and the suffering of other people. But people who do so while giving away their personal information are a special kind of scumbag. There is no level of hell in which people like this would receive sufficient punishment.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Weird State Laws #4: Arkansas

Arkansas, home of Bill Clinton, Mike Huckabee, Douglas MacArthur, and Johnny Cash, is also home to an array of strange laws. Hell, the very first one on the list is this:
It's strictly prohibited to pronounce "Arkansas" incorrectly
Did you hear that? It's not just prohibited, it's strictly prohibited. Correct state pronunciation is serious business, apparently. Pronounce it as "Are-Kansas" and get ready to head for the hills!
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month
Jesus Christ, not even Mississippi allows that. Seriously Arkansas, if Mississippi is ahead of you socially, than there's some changes that need to happen ASAP!
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs
Just out of curiosity, how big are those bathtubs? How would you fit an alligator in a regular sized bathtub? I imagine this law was made based on some sort of hypothetical scenario.

Here's some local laws in Little Rock
Honking one's car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law
Why just a sandwich shop? I can see that the point of this kind of law is to keep the peace and respect the people who are sleeping, but it's only illegal if it's at a sandwich shop? That seems needlessly arbitrary.
Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term
Little Rock, Arkansas. Boldly looking ahead to the 19th Century.
Dogs may not bark after 6 PM
Well, my dog would be a hardcore outlaw if we lived in Little Rock, huh.
 It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1 PM on Sunday
If someone walks their cow down Main Street during the weekdays, there's no cause for alarm. Walking cows down the main throughway of a city of almost 200k is a regular occurrence, I'm sure. They're probably very useful for helping the blind navigate.

Tune in next time for California. Since Cali is already well known for being a weird state I'm sure I'll find some really bizarre laws to make fun of.

Weird State Laws #3: Arizona

Next up in my 50-part series of weird state laws is Arizona:
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water
I'm sure this law will be helpful to you if you're in the desert in the middle summer miles from civilization. Anyone you ask for water has to give it to you. And of course there are plenty of people in the middle of the desert at--oh wait.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus
Apparently, cacti are endangered species and this law was created to protect them. Strange. Arizona's not normally the kind of state you'd expect to have hardcore Green Party activists in their legislature.
Hunting camels is prohibited 
Because camels are a well-known native species of Arizona. Almost as well known as the lions of the neighboring state of New Mexico.
 It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine
As opposed to actual cocaine? Seriously, that law doesn't mention anything about real cocaine. All the celebrities and teenage runaways should stop wasting their time with Los Angeles, clearly a three-hour drive to the east is where it's at!
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs
Another well-known native species of Arizona, the donkey. I guess the sinks are fair game?
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
If the burglar has a Desert Eagle, you better make sure that you're using a Desert Eagle as well or it's off to the slammer with you!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Investor's Buisness Daily: Empower yourself through Confirmation Bias!

Are you an intelligent and well-educated individual? Do you listen to what the opposition has to say and consider the merits instead of reducing it into a oversimplified and crude caricature with little to no concern about whether or not said caricature is even an accurate portrayal. Are you not afraid of higher education? Do you not stereotype your political opponents? Most importantly, do you see the previous things as bad rather than good.

Then you need to check out Investor's Business Daily. Why waste time actually getting to know about the opponent's side of an argument when you can just make assumptions about them based on poorly drawn cartoons and extremely biased op-ed articles. Stop being so dependent on things like education and research and start experiencing the empowering effects of willful ignorance and confirmation bias. Marvel at how much easier it is to make straw men out of the other person's arguments rather than debating them!

A small sample of the political cartoons can be found here: Remember, if you encounter someone who disagrees with your opinion, they're not only wrong, they're stupid and/or evil. Also remember that if these people do a bad thing, it's only bad because they did it. If you do the exact same thing, it's not wrong at all because…er…um…uh…yeah, we'll get back to you on that.

It's time to stop feeling like you may be wrong about something and start assuming that you can never be wrong about anything. What are you waiting for? Get your daily dose of fact-free empowerment at Investor's Business Daily now!

A Short Tip

If you're going to tell other people to "educate yourself," could you at least make a claim that isn't completely idiotic? Also, at the very least, could you cite a goddamn source to backup your claim? I certainly don't use marijuana--or alcohol or meth, for that matter--there's nothing wrong with being a teetotaler in my opinion. But my decision was not made by buying into this kind of fear-mongering. 
Also, another short tip to this guy. Don't call someone ignorant and than make a staggeringly ignorant claim. 

Weird State Laws #2: Alaska

Next up in my weird state laws series, Alaska, where one can see Russia from their house provided that one has binoculars, one is looking in exactly the right direction, one's house is located on the edge of the land in Cape Prince of Wales, and the day is unnaturally clear. Interestingly, Alaska is the second state in the Union alphabetically, and the second-to-last state chronologically.

More interestingly, Alaska has some bizarre laws:
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. 
I don't think this needs to be a law. I think Natural Selection will take of anyone who ever had that brilliant idea.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane
Just out of curiosity, how big of an "offense" would this be? Would it just be a misdemeanor? Would you get a $25 fine and a slap on the wrist? "Oh, I'm sorry about this officer, but you know these kids just like to have fun. Smashing mailboxes, TPing houses, aerial moose punting, the usual!" Or would it be a felony? Also, I like how the law makes sure to mention that it's a moving airplane. Apparently the good folks at the Alaska Department of Law are cool with people pushing live moose out of stationary airplanes! Why, it must be a fun pastime!

Some laws at the local level are great, too. Here's one from Anchorage:
No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car 
Damn, Mitt Romney would have some 'splainin' to do if he lived there.

Here's my personal favorite, from Haines:
A person may only carry a concealed slingshot if that person has received the appropriate license
 A license for carrying slingshots? I tell you, this is the socialist nanny state gone amuck. What right does some group of big government bureaucrats have to tell us when we can and can't carry a slingshot? This is just the beginning, I tell you. Soon they'll ban slingshots entirely. That's how all the famous dictators came to power. Hitler, Stalin, Mao…the first thing they did was take away our slingshots! I know that this information is true because I just posted it on the internet. And everything on the internet is true. If it wasn't true before, it's true now. Also Obama is Cthulhu.

Weird State Laws #1: Alabama

This is the first in a fifty-part series of posts about the weird laws that are technically still in place our fifty weird states. We'll be going in alphabetical order like in that song "Fifty Nifty United States" that you've probably heard back in your grade school years.

Here to start is Alabama:
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited
Here's the text of that law. Was there some sort of epidemic of illegal bear-fighting rings back in the days when Alabama was part of the Yazoo lands? Were they part of the Yazoo Land Scandal? The world may never now.
You must have windshield wipers on your car
As opposed to on your…bicycle? And why wouldn't you have them on your car? Alabama isn't known  for its lack of precipitation.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle
I would hope there wasn't some sort of driving while blindfolded craze in Alabama back in the day that necessitated the creation of this law!
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses
Odds are that when this law become obsolete, you probably weren't born yet. Alabama is behind the times socially, not technologically.
Incestuous marriages are illegal
 Well, I guess this means we have to retire a certain stereotype, huh?
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday
But apparently drag racing is A-OK! In all seriousness, dominoes is clearly a gateway drug to greater evils such as Bingo. Watch out for it.

Some Good News At Last

A Federal Judge has ruled the NSA's Metadata Collection unconstitutional.

The Judge argued that the technology we have now far exceeds that of 1979, and that the precedent set by Smith v Maryland no longer applies in the age of the internet and cell phone wire-tapping. I would argue that even Smith v Maryland itself is unconstitutional because I believe that any information gathering obtained without a warrant counts as an "unreasonable search and seizure."

So, it looks like we may be putting an end to the War on Privacy. Provided that this decision is upheld on appeal.

Some more good news, Scott Lively is running for governor of Massachusetts. This will be provide me with much amusement over the next year.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Birthers Latest Idiocy

The Birthers are curious bunch of people. They started out as a group of butthurt Hilary Clinton supporters after the 2008 Democratic Primary and eventually morphed into a right-wing fringe group that gets promoted by the likes of World Net Daily and the Tea Party. Obama initially released the certificate on his campaign website in June 2008. This was a short-term birth certificate scanned the year before. For most smart and educated people, this is where that little rumor should have ended. Conservative columnist Jim Geraghty wrote of the certificate on National Review Online: "Barring some vast conspiracy within Hawaii State Department of Health, there is no reason to think his original birth certificate would have any different data." Even Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs, then a right-wing blog, thought the birthers were idiots. Joseph Farah of WorldNetDaily, however, thought they were on to something. Birth-certificate conspiracy theories have been a staple of that site since then.

For several years after Obama won the 2008 election, the birthers themselves by demanding that Obama release his long-term "official birth certificate" alleging that he hadn't been born in the USA and was thus ineligible to be president. In 2009, Chuck Norris (yes, that Chuck Norris) wrote an open letter to Obama urging him to release the birth certificate. That same year, a layer named Orly Taitz (yes, really) tried to bring a lawsuit against the Obama Administration and used a fake Kenyan birth certificate that she forged herself as her "evidence." In 2011, Obama released his long-term birth certificate. The birthers, predictably, claimed it was "photoshopped." The arguments they used were convincing to talk radio hosts, people who regularly attend Tea Party meetings, and to the barely literate cretins that infest the internet. And Donald Trump.

The person who authorized the release of that certificate was Loretta Fuddy, the state Health Director of Hawaii. She died last Wednesday in a plane crash off the Hawaiian Island of Molokai. She was the sole fatality in a plane filled with nine people. This is apparently sufficient evidence for the birthers to believe that a conspiracy is involved. The tin foil hat crowd at Freedom Outpost believes in a conspiracy, as does this epically insane, completely uneducated, and senile old fuck. So does Donald Trump. And Erik Rush along with 9/11 truther Jim Garrow as well.

The evidence they have that Obama had Fuddy killed is that she was the only one on the plane to die. Solid evidence, right? Oh wait, not if there were only nine fucking people on the plane. And they have absolutely no other evidence to go by except this. Here's Donald Trump's tweet:

This is probably the only tweet about how "strange" it is that she was the only person to die out of only nine people in a plane crash that's properly spelled and punctuated. I could go and check but I don't want my brain to shut down from overexposure to raw stupidity. 

Philip Bump of The Atlantic explains just how stupid and improbably this theory is:

As for the birthers themselves, I have one response to them:

Friday, December 13, 2013

This kind of stupidity should be physically painful

The Daily Caller was founded by Tucker Carlson, so it's not like quality journalism should be expected from it. Still, I just have to shake my head at the quality of some of the writers. One of their writers, Patrick Howley, posted an article so monumentally idiotic that it makes me wonder if Tucker Carlson even looked at this guy's previous writings before he hired him. I'm going to enjoy ripping this thing apart

He starts off by citing this report and making note of a few of its claims:

 Although objectification theory suggests that women frequently experience the objectifying gaze with many adverse consequences, there is scant research examining the nature and causes of the objectifying gaze for perceivers. The main purpose of this work was to examine the objectifying gaze toward women via eye tracking technology...Consistent with our main hypothesis, we found that participants focused on women’s chests and waists more and faces less when they were appearance-focused (vs. personality-focused). Moreover, we found that this effect was particularly pronounced for women with high (vs. average and low) ideal body shapes in line with hypotheses"
This is all the information form the report that Howley cities. The rest of the article is just him whining at how mean all the evil progressives are for not letting him ogle women. Seriously. This is the very next paragraph in the article:

This is the kind of study MSNBC commentators can hold up when they’re talking about “rape culture.” Because men are just all Bashar al-Assad and sex is their chemical weapon. Fifty-one percent of the U.S. population is a victimized group now. Don’t you know? Women are like Indians now. You can’t give them a once-over, a polite grin, and be on your way. You can’t notice the fruits of their several-hour morning project of preparing themselves to be looked at. Pretty soon, looking at a woman’s chest will legally be a “hate” crime instead of a love crime.
This is staggeringly stupid. Not only does it have nothing to do with the study he cited, it makes comparisons that make no sense at all. "Men are just all Bashar al-Assad and sex is their chemical weapon?" What the fuck kind of point is trying to make here? The part about looking at a woman's chest being a hate crime "instead of a love crime" was clearly him to trying to be witty. Unfortunately, it's not. There's nothing more annoying than a completely witless douchebag who thinks he's clever.

This is what the progressives exist to do. They take away our activities. If it’s an activity and it’s kind of fun or pleasurable, the progressives are going to take it away.
 Yeah, that's probably why it's the progressives who are calling for bans on porn, regulation of sex in the media, and abstinence-only sex ed. Oh wait, no it's not. It's the social conservatives calling for that. Most progressives don't give a shit about some cretin ogling a hot girl. They care if that girl is being continuously harassed.
Maybe catching a side glance of some cleavage on the subway isn’t for you. Fine. But for those of us who enjoy that, it’s one more thing that we’re allowed to do in this country. I’m not big on skiing, but if I see somebody walking down the street with some skis I’m cool with that. Why ban things that you might want to try sometime
Jesus Christ. You cannot be fucking serious right now. There's a huge difference between skiing and looking at a girl's cleavage. One is a fun physical activity that can reduce stress and help you stay in shape. The other is being a classless pig. If I were the owner of a newspaper and one my employees wrote something like that, I would fire his ass on the spot.
I’m not saying looking at tits is any kind of noble pursuit. But it’s one more freedom. It’s one more thing that has been allowed in this country since the time of James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. One more thing that we’re not going to be allowed to do in the progressive future.
Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what Thomas Jefferson and James Madison intended when they wrote the Declaration of Independence. They wanted a country were all the men could stare at women's cleavage and not get in trouble for it.
Ladies, how are you going to feel when the progressives prohibit men from paying you a compliment on your walk home from the bar? You know there’s always one friend of yours who waited all night for that
Where is this happening? Seriously, in what part of the world are guys banned from complimenting a girl on the way home from a bar? In fact, what is this screed about, anyway? Wasn't Howley just bitching about men not being able to stare at girls tits? Because that's a fuck ton of a lot different than complimenting a girl. Holy shit.
Because you realize that when progressives ban things, they don’t just prohibit activities: they set a new rule that goes out through the culture that must be obeyed
And the new rule affects everyone. From the guy who now has to cover his face so as not to look at a hot girl’s tits, to the girl whose tits can no longer be looked at, to the friend of the girl who could have laughed when it happened, to the bar owner standing outside who could have lured them both in for a drink, to the husband’s small business partner who knows the story of how they met and smirks about it over dinner, to the daughter at their 30th anniversary party who decided that she just wanted to be a full-time mom and raise her kids Christian and send them to private school and she was proud of her decisions in life.
So we went from a guy starting at a hot girl's tits to a bar owner who tried to lure them in for a drink (that doesn't sound creepy at all) to a daughter that wanted to raise her kids Christian? Good God! I've seen middle school writing assignments that were constructed better than this! Seriously, how do you jump from guys staring at girls breasts to mothers raising Christian kids at private schools?
This is why conservatives will own the future of this country, and progressive leadership will fall by the wayside. Americans in nursing homes don’t like their activities being taken away. But that nurse who comes in Tuesdays for hip rehabilitation? She’s just fine.
That's how the article ends. With a complete non sequitur. Good God this is awful writing.

This guy has also written for the National Review and is on the staff of the ironically named Washington Free Beacon (which is based in Washington DC). He's even been featured in the fucking Wall Street Journal. That's right, someone in charge of one of the nation's most popular and influential newspapers saw this twerp's writing and thought, "Yeah, this is good stuff; we should publish it." This type of moronic dreck has no business whatsoever being published in an actual professional newspaper like the Wall Street Journal, and whoever allowed it to be published should be ashamed of themselves.

At the rate things are going, conservatives won't own the future of this country, Mr. Howley. You want to why? Because they keep passing over intelligent and reasonable individuals in favor of inept cretins like you who pander to the lowest common denominator. The people who should be most annoyed by the fact that idiots like Howley have a career in journalism thanks to the popularity of right-wing blogs and talk radio are conservatives. If I were a conservative, I'd be embarrassed at the people who are spearheading the movement. I'd be angry that the people who extoll the virtues I believe in have to dumb themselves down and reduce all of their arguments to platitudes and buzz words because the most popular voices in the movement think that intellect and higher education are things to be made fun of rather than admired. You, Mr. Howley, are only helping progressives by writing idiotic bullshit like this. 

Tila Tequila…WTF

Celebrities who are famous for fifteen minutes because they don't actually have any talent usually get desperate to stay relevant after their time in the limelight is up. Tila Tequila (real name Tila Nguyen) is one of those celebrities. She was a Playboy Model back in the early 2000s before finally becoming famous due to MySpace. Yeah, remember when MySpace was still a thing that people used? MySpace was HUGE back in 2006-07. I never got into it, but it sure seemed like everyone at my High School had a MySpace account. And because there were a lot of teenage boys on MySpace, Miss Nguyen, being a hot chick with lots of nude photos, had no trouble reeling in friends and subscribers on that site at the height of its popularity in 2006. She was the most subscribed person on the site at the time, having over 2 million friends. That's probably more than the entire subscriber base of MySpace today.

Since she was popular on the internet, some of the geniuses in the entertainment industry decided that that meant she was also talented. She appeared in Maxim Magazine a few times and was a contestant on Ted Nugent's VH1 Reality Show Survivng Nugent. Yeah, Ted Nugent had a short lived reality show. 2006 was a bizarre year. In 2007, Tila released an album called Sex. The "music" on that thing was about exactly what you think it's about. Later that year, Tila got a deal with MTV and was given her own reality show called A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila. This was a dating show in which several steroid-pumped boneheads would "compete" for a chance to get a date with her. The twist was that she was bisexual or something and that some lesbians were also competing for a chance to scissor with her as well. This was the start of her fifteen minutes of fame. She was a big deal for the kinds of people who regularly read gossip magazines, tabloids, and celebrity "news" sites. She mentioned in an interview that her nickname "Tila Tequila" was a reference to her experimenting with liquor at age thirteen, so she was a fantastic role model for the kids. Her show had a second season in 2008. She even released a self-help book about hooking up. 

In 2009, she disappeared off the face of the planet. She's been trying desperately to get back into the media spotlight since then, with a sex tape she made with two other porn actresses being "leaked" in 2011, and a "suicide attempt" involving an overdose on sleeping pills in April of last year. 

A few days ago, she posted a picture of herself on her Facebook standing in front of Auschwitz wearing an SS hat and a swastika armband. She also wrote a blog post detailing why she sympathizes with Adolf Hitler and that history was rewritten after the defeat of the Nazis in World War II.

Am I even awake right now? God, the Ted Cruz coloring book, the Herman Cain comic book, and now this!? Christ, I've had dreams where I've walked on ceilings and travelled into polka-dot dimensions that were less unbelievable than what I've seen and heard about in the last three days! 

Tila claimed she wasn't an anti-semite on that blog post. Or at least I think she did. You try making any sense out of this nonsensical clusterfuck of incoherence:

 I am not going to sit here and say that I hate Jewish people because that is not the case nor is this about Jews.  It is about Hitler and his side of the story that was never told since he was not the victor. However, those of you with a closed mind can think I am being anti-semite all you want because I already told you that I am not, nor will I repeat myself again.   I, just like you, used to view Hitler as an atrocious monster!  How could such EVIL exist in this world?  As a matter of fact I even made a youtube video a while back showing sympathy for the prisoners of war during WW2 so you cannot say that I am a racist nor anti-semite.  I was merely brainwashed just like all of you have been.  Sure of course there will always be casualties of war and those of you who oppose my views or want to say hateful things about me for sympathizing with Hitler need to realize just how deep this fucked up propaganda goes in attempts to cover up the true historical facts that took place.

If she isn't an anti-semite than how does she explain the lyrics to her new song "It's Going Down," with lyrics like "Worldwide genocide blame it on the Jews?" She's "not an anti-semite" in the same way that the person who came up with the "Don't Re-nig" bumper sticker in last year's election "wasn't a racist." 

As for the actual song itself, the pro-Nazi sentiments aren't the only things wrong with it. The rhyme scheme is so forced it would embarrass 2 Chainz. Here's a few examples:

And my personal favorite: 

I wonder what her next song will be? "Gestapo Swag" or "Mengele's Bitch," probably. I'll even make it easier for her by writing a first line out for her: "Fuck Ilsa, Tila Tequila's the new She-Wolf up in this Bitch!" 

The Universe just Divided by Zero

Herman Cain has a comic book based on his life…Yes, really.

Snarkiness fails.

This Book is just asking for a Dramatic Reading

An "ex-gay" activist named Joseph Sciambra wrote a book called Swallowed by Satan. He went on Bryan Fischer's radio show to promote it. The book is basically about his journey out of homosexuality, Neo-Nazism, and Satan worship. Because Neo-Nazis are generally known for being gay friendly. Yeah, I'm already a little skeptical about the validity of some of his claims.

Mr. Sciambra was a gay porn star with drug abuse problems. He also claims to have been obsessed with female pornography and visited female brothels for his nights of drug-addled debauchery. He started sleeping with men because women "did not have the physical strength for the type of abuse" he needed.

I'm going to let the man speak for himself when he describes his sexual encounters with men. Bet yourself $10 that you can read this following passage without cracking a smile:
"Satan swallowed me whole. I would spend a decade in his gut. Miraculously, a protective layer prevented my full destruction in the digestive tract of the devil. When my continued presence in his bowel became an irritant, I was passed out onto the street. To be stepped upon and washed away into the gutter."
Pay up, folks.

Throughout most of the book, Mr. Sciambra describes his sex encounters with other men in lurid detail. He claimed that he heard voices of demonic spirits telling him to engage in kinky sex acts. In one story, after a gang-bang, he described conceiving a demon in his anus. No, seriously. You might want to skip past this next quote if you have a weak stomach:
"All I could think about were the magical claims by occultist Alester Crowley that anal sex released a rare form of demonic spirit. In fact, he taught that these devils would be conceived within the anus during sodomy. I believed this wholeheartedly. I wanted these entities to take me over…Then, with no warning, a rush of liquid gushed from my body. It was slimy and mixed with blood. I gave birth to devil I prayed for. In the coming years, it would grow and pitilessly hover about me."
I don't know why we still have satire. I mean, you can't parody this! There is no way to make this more absurd.

Mr. Sciambra also mentions a few other things. He mentions joining a cabal of gay male witches and having group sex with a man with "the head of a goat or ram." Huh. Maybe he just stumbled upon the furry fandom and thought it was a cabal.

This books sounds like it will be entertaining. Perhaps Kirk Cameron will play Mr. Sciambra in the movie adaptation?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Ted Cruz coloring book for kids

Yes, this is real. 

You want to know what it's called? "Cruz to the Future." No, really.

Here's some of the things you can learn from this coloring book:

America is a Christian Nation- This is standard fare for the Religious Right. Hell, one of the tree trunks on the cover of the magazine is even labelled "Ten Commandments." The other trunk is labelled "US Constitution," of course. According to the Religious Right, the Constitution was based off the Ten Commandments. And they have lots of evidence to back that claim up. The first piece of evidence is that the original Bill of Rights to the Constitution consisted of ten amendments. You know how many commandments there are in the Ten Commandments? Why, ten, of course! Clearly there is a connection here! The second piece of evidence is…er…um…uh…you know what, we'll get back to you on that!

Ted Cruz is a Man of Great Virility and Stamina- That's right, Ted Cruz isn't just some old "career politician." He's a MANLY MAN WHO IS MANLY! He's not like those old fossils Harry Reid or Mitch McConnell who just drone on for hours and hours. He proved that in his filibuster of ObamaCare  in which he stood on the Senate floor and talked for 21 hours straight. You heard that right! 21 solid hours of TALKING! Truly he has the combined masculinity of Rambo, GI Joe, and [insert protagonist name from John-Claude Van Damme movie here].

Providing Health Care for People Who Can't Afford It Is Worse Than War- Ted Cruz wants you to know that his failed stand against ObamaCare because "millions of citizens believe that ObamaCare is worse than any war." That's right, MILLIONS of citizens. The population of the United States is a little over 300 million, so that means that as many as 3% of the country thinks that ObamaCare is worse than war. 3%! That's a majority, isn't it? Ted Cruz even explains why ObamaCare is worse than war! "At least American soldiers have weapons with with to defend themselves." You can NOT argue with that logic! Soldiers have weapons to defend themselves from enemy soldiers. What do ordinary citizens have to protect themselves against doctors? Nothing, because OBAMA TOOK AWAY ALL YOUR GUNS! 

Cruz to the future. Because Ted Cruz is really important you guys!

The last marble has rolled out of Rush Limbaugh's head

How else would explain this rambling, incoherent diatribe that El Rushbo posted onto his website. He's talking to someone named Snerdley, who I assume is one of the voices in his head. He mentions getting an e-mail with this message:
"I was shocked! I thought you were reasonably intelligent man. I'm a subscriber to your website and I've been listening to you for 20 years, but I can't believe how uninformed and embarrassing you are on Darwin."
 Rush Limbaugh's being linked with the word, "intelligent." Heh. That's funny. This person must not have been listening very close if thought Rush was "reasonably intelligent man." Great sentence structure, by the way.

Limbaugh's response was exactly the sort of well-researched and intelligent claim you would expect from him:

"All I said was Charles Darwin and Karl Marx were responsible for more deaths than even global warming."
I thought Rush Limbaugh didn't believe in global warming. Did he secretly believe in it all this time and  did he just accidentally let the cat out of the bag? Or is some sort of stealth joke? He doesn't believe in global warming, so that means he thinks it has caused zero deaths. Therefore, Darwin and Marx are responsible for more deaths than global warming. If that's the case, than why did he put the word "even" before "global warming?" Phrasing a sentence like that--"x has caused more deaths than even y"--implies that y has caused a lot of deaths, just not as much as x. If so, than global warming must be a big problem if someone who doesn't believe in it thinks it's caused a lot of deaths.

Also the part about Karl Marx is a non-sequitur that's not in any way related to the topic of Charles Darwin or evolution, but Mr. Limbaugh isn't exactly known for being a Mensa Candidate.

"And, man, survival of the fittest, maybe Darwin didn't say it, you know, frankly, I don't care about Darwin, either."
 I feel sorry for the comma key on Rush Limbaugh's keyboard. By the way, Darwin didn't say that. That was Francis Galton. "Survival of the fittest" is more or less the theme for Social Darwinism rather than the actual theories of evolution that Darwin came up with. Limbaugh says he doesn't care about Darwin and that's part of the problem. He would know his facts and wouldn't make stupid mistakes like this if he cared enough about the topic he was rambling about to do some proper research. This just makes him look lazy.

"As far as I'm concerned Darwin is corrupt and everybody that believes in Darwinism is corrupt and they present a problem."
This is one of the Dittohead King's biggest problems. Not only does he have a black and white view on morality, but everyone he disagrees with falls into the morally black region by default. It's the kind of worldview you have in grade school.

"Well, somebody thinks he said survival of the fittest and so they're running around saying so. So all I said was we know that liberals love Darwin."
Um, how are these two statements related, exactly? These are two different topics of debate. You're supposed to make sure that they flow into each other via a smooth transition. Rush Limbaugh just rams the new topic into the old one like a train hitting a brick wall.

So far, this is all pretty normal for Rush Limbaugh. If it were just the above quotes, I wouldn't even have bothered making this blog post. Finding a stupid screed by Limbaugh is not a challenge and criticize it is even less of a challenge. There's beating a dead horse. There's milking a cow dry. And than there's making fun of Rush Limbaugh. But it's the quotes below that inspired this blog post because El Rushbo somehow finds a way to completely own himself. And even better, he's completely clueless about it.

"Liberals love anything that allows them to say there's no God. Liberals will go anywhere and support anything if they can use it to say there's no God. Okay, fine. Then they come up and they say survival of the fittest, fine and dandy. Well, then why don't they let survival of the fittest rule in American society? They love Darwin, and they love survival of the fittest except when it comes to America. Now they want equality of outcomes. They don't want survival of the fittest. They want survival of the incompetents. In fact, they want the incompetents to triumph over the competent. They want the incompetent, the incapable, the stupid, to triumph over the genuine creators of wealth and the entrepreneurs, and that's what's wrong with these people. And if Darwin helps them get there, then they'll use it. And man, I'm telling you, a guy called and asked me about Darwin, evolution or whatever, I told him what I think and my e-mail was just overflowing. I almost had to get a satellite account to handle the overflow, Snerdley, and every one of them was arrogant and condescending: "I can't believe how stupid you are. I had so much invested in your intelligence, you really need to reexamine what you think about Darwinism." These people that believe in Darwin are no different than people who have faith in Jesus Christ or Mohammed or what have you. It's fascinating."
Wow. I've seen arguments in YouTube comments that were more coherent than this. Go ahead and reread that paragraph before I take apart piece by piece.

"Liberals love anything that allows them to say there's no God. Liberals will go anywhere and support anything if they can use it to say there's no God."
Are you sure you can't reword that to make it sound just a little more redundant?

"Then they come up and they survival of the fittest, fine and dandy. Well, then why don't they let survival of the fittest rule in American society?"
Because they've learned form the Eugenics Era that that's a bad model for society to operate on…?

"They love Darwin, and they love survival of the fittest except when it comes to America. Now they want equality of outcomes. They don't want survival of the fittest. They want survival of the incompetents."
That's not what "equality of outcomes," means.

"In fact, they want the incompetents to triumph over the competent."
I'm sure that's exactly why they voted against such genius minds as Louie Gohmert and Michelle Bachmann. They just didn't want such competent and intelligent people in Congress.

"They want the incompetent, the incapable, the stupid, to triumph over the genuine creators of wealth and the entrepreneurs, and that's what's wrong with these people. And if Darwin helps them get there, then they'll use it."
So let me get this straight. They love Darwin and survival of the fittest so much that they want the incompetent to triumph over the fittest? That's what Rush Limbaugh is trying to argue here. And earlier,  Rush Limbaugh said that survival of the fittest was a corrupt ideology, but now he's saying that liberals are wrong to oppose it even though they support it.

Boys and girls, this is what it looks like when an argument collapses onto itself. It looks like purified fail.
"And man, I'm telling you, a guy called and asked me about Darwin, evolution or whatever, I told him what I think and my e-mail was just overflowing."
Whoa! Whiplash! You can't change gears like that in the middle of an argument. These topics don't flow into each other. They pile up on top of each other until the argument becomes one huge coagulated mess.
"I almost had to get a satellite account to handle the overflow, Snerdley, and every one of them was arrogant and condescending"
It's like talking into a mirror, isn't it?
 "I can't believe how stupid you are. I had so much invested in your intelligence, you really need to reexamine what you think about Darwinism."
Mr. Limbaugh, if these people are saying that they had "invested in your intelligence," they probably aren't liberals. In fact, these messages seem to be from your own fans. If your own fans are criticizing you for your massive display of ignorance on the subject of Charles Darwin and evolution…I think that's a sign that you're doing something wrong. You might want to think about that for a few minutes. Oh, unless you have such a huge ego that you think that there's no possible way you could ever be wrong about anything.
"These people that believe in Darwin are no different than people who have faith in Jesus Christ or Mohammed or what have you. It's fascinating." 

So, people are who believe in a scientific theory that has a wealth of evidence to back it up (far more so than when it was first published by Charles Darwin in 1859) are no different than people who have faith in religious figures? That's right, according to Limbaugh, scientific theory = religious faith. In fact, why should the comparisons stop there? Just go all out with it.

"Gee, there's some people who believe that the TriMet buses will always be several minutes late. It's fascinating because there's also people who believe in Jesus. Those two things are just like each other!"

In a way I sort of almost half-way semi-respect Rush Limbaugh. He's found a way to make millions upon millions of dollars off of his own ignorance. He knew that there was a niche demographic of willfully ignorant people out there that he could relate to, and he found a way to exploit the shit out of it. And he managed to do this before the internet and political blogs became popular. So, it's not like Limbaugh can't be intelligent. He just chooses not to be. But this particular screed makes me wonder if Limbaugh has spent too much time in "ignorant and proud mode." When you can't form coherent points anymore--and when your own fans are calling you out on stuff--I think you've gone into character a bit too deep. That's what has happened to Rush Limbaugh here. He's gone so far into his persona that he's becoming his persona.

For most people, this would be a problem, but Rush Limbaugh is so rich that there's no consequences for him if he no longer has any marbles rolling around in that tin can of his.

And who the fuck is Snerdley!?